Sexual confidence begins with you. It’s not even about your partner. What do you want? How do you want to feel? How do you see yourself?

Focus on you.

Women have been conditioned to focus on pleasing our partners. We worry about whether they’re attracted to us, whether they’re enjoying themselves, whether our bodies look good, and whether we’re doing “it” right. We put ourselves last and then wonder why 85% of women do not achieve orgasm during sex.

Sexual confidence starts with knowing your body and believing you can have what you deserve. It’s knowing what feels good, what doesn’t, what turns you on, and being comfortable enough to communicate it. And all of this happens way before you ever get in bed.

So how do you build sexual confidence?

Get to know your body

You cannot confidently communicate what you enjoy if you do not know it. Explore what feels good to you without making your pleasure dependent on another person discovering it for you.

Stop outsourcing your desirability

There is a difference between sexual confidence and sexual validation. Sexual confidence isn’t “Everybody wants me.” It’s, “I want and accept myself.”

Your confidence cannot depend entirely on how many people find you attractive, who approaches you, or even whether your partner desires you. You have to see yourself before anyone else does.

Practice asking for what you want

Sexual confidence is an extension of everyday confidence. Practice expressing your preferences. Where do you like to eat? How do you like it prepared? What do you like to wear? How do you like it to fit? What do you enjoy? What don’t you like?

Women are often conditioned to be agreeable, but you cannot spend your life saying, “Whatever you want is fine” and accepting whatever is given. Practice saying what you want, exactly the way you want it. Not rudely or with an attitude, but with the confidence of someone who believes her desires matter.

Get comfortable saying no

Knowing what you don’t want is just as important as knowing what you do want.

Practice saying the following:

“No.”

“Not like that.”

“I don’t like that.”

“I’d rather try this.”

Setting boundaries is a part of expressing sexual confidence. Your no deserves just as much confidence as your yes.

Stop performing pleasure

Sex is not a performance. You don’t have to make the right sounds, look sexy from every angle, or pretend something feels good because you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings. Sexual confidence allows you to focus on what you’re actually experiencing versus how the other person is experiencing you.

Make pleasure part of your life

Pleasure doesn’t begin and end with sex. Wear the dress. Buy yourself the flowers. Get the massage. Sleep on beautiful sheets. Eat something delicious. Take care of your skin. Create a life that feels good to live in.

The more comfortable you become experiencing pleasure without guilt, the easier it becomes to believe you deserve pleasure everywhere else. Sexual confidence isn’t about being the sexiest woman in the room. It’s knowing who you are well enough to never abandon yourself, even in the bedroom.

Before you can confidently tell someone how to please you, you have to believe you deserve to be pleased. And this will serve you well in the bed and beyond it.

Shae Primus is a matchmaker, dating expert, and cultural commentator known for her unfiltered conversations about modern love, pleasure and relationships. She is the author of the forthcoming book, Touched: Stories of Pleasure, Power & Awakening.